Mary the Sue
by Soul of Frodo
Summary: A parody of my sappy Sue, 'Bewitched.' You don't have to read it to get it, though - it's just a takeoff on Sues in general. Enjoy, and PLEASE review!
1. Intro

A/n: This is not _supposed_ to make any sense. It's a Sue parody, remember? ...and the song is to the tune of 'Winnie-the-Pooh.'

Disclaimer: Tolkien's characters belong to his estate. You can _have_ the Sue.

***

_Mary the Sue_

_Mary the Sue_

_Trouble in a bubble with pointy ears_

_It's Mary the Sue_

_Mary the Sue_

_Sleazy cheesy easy-to-hate_

***

She knew Frodo back in the Shire - was his best friend, in fact. She was Sam's long-lost sister who had been raised by wolves. Not to mention, she was Merry's ex-girlfriend and Pippin's fairy godmother.

She had single-handedly defeated all the Ringwraiths, yet was also mortally wounded. Both Glorfindel _and_ Arwen had sped to her aid, though she gallantly refused their help and flew Frodo to Rivendell on her magical unicorn. Stopping the flood waters with one manicured hand, she stumbled to Lord Elrond with the noble bearing of a queen and collapsed at Legolas' feet. The golden-haired archer took it upon himself to heal her.

After all, she *was* his first and only love, whom he had thought dead for a thousand years. She was also Galadriel's daughter by Isildur, and thus the rightful heir to both, though she heroically gave up her claim to Gondor in favor of her noble cousin, Aragorn, out of love for her twin sister, Arwen Undomiel Evenstar.

She was, of course, invited to the council, being both Elrond's niece, granddaughter, abandoned child who grew up in Minas Tirith, and sister-in-law - not to mention, a powerful enchantress who could speak to trees and had taught Gandalf everything he knows. She offered her Ultra Sonic Bow of Accuracy to Frodo when he volunteered to take the Ring, since she had borne the trinket herself when she was but a poor half-hobbit, half-elf lass who taught herself to wield a sword.

Boromir welcomed her company, for she was his father's ward, the last of the White Dames who dwelt in the White Tower in the White City, and the court poet of Minas Tirith.

And Gimli...uh...

We won't go there.

***


	2. Legolas

I have nothing against German or Japanese, but Sues have a tendency to use one of them if they don't know a good Elvish translator site. All misspellings are perfectly intentional.

Disclaimer: See the first chapter.

***

Legolas looked over the fire into her eyes, eyes that swirled with many colors of brilliant flame. She smiled; the reflection of the firelight on her perfect, glossy teeth nearly blinded the studly elf-prince.

"What, pray, doesest thee wisheth of myself, fair prince?" she asked coyly, batting her long, dark eyelashes. Legolas' heart skipped a beat.

"Naught of which I canneth asketh of thou, my lady," he replied shyly, yet somehow still very masculinely. "Thee is much kindly to asketh myself of what I wishest."

"But and yet so, it be only mine duty," she countered in a glorious blaze of conjunctions. "I wouldeth but giveth unto thou thyself mine heart."

Legolas' heart skipped another beat. His chest was beginning to hurt.

"For truely I loveth thou," he declared, "and thus furthermore wouldeth but die for unto thine."

"But yet then, what wouldeth occur with mine self, wereth thee to perish?" she cried, as the wind whipped back her silvery-blond locks that were long and thin and shone like many, many diamonds.

Legolas' heart skipped yet another beat. He promptly had a heart attack and toppled into the fire. She had to rescue him, heal his wounds with her powers of musical light magic sparkles, and, naturally, give him mouth-to-mouth.

To her dismay, despite all her efforts, Legolas was dying. He whispered what he thought were his last final words in Germanapanese, the lost language of the Lavender Silk Fairies, of whom his would-be rescuer was the princess by majority vote.

"Silver Moon Starry Isildura Magicwen Belle Natalia Goldstone...I loveth thee. Carryeth ye on whence I am deadened."

"No!" she shrieked brokenly, shedding flaming tears that left glowing trails down her cheeks. She cast herself into the fire. In a blaze of glory, she burst and lit up the sky like a firecracker.

Legolas wept in a manly, hot, studly way, being now fully healed by her heroic noble honored beautiful heart-breaking sacrificial death. His only one true forever love was dead.

Now he had all eternity to mope about it.

***


	3. Gandalf

This one's a shorty. As previously stated, this is not meant to make sense. It's a parody, for Pete's sake!

Disclaimer: **rolls eyes** Last time I make note of the fact: it's in the _first chapter_.

***

Having died for Legolas, she had to find some way to be brought back to life. After all, there was one facet of her talents he hadn't seen.

Since she was a powerful sorceress, she sent a message to Gandalf, telling him how to bring her back to life. Since she had saved his life in Moria and destroyed the evil and utterly tasteless Balrog, he agreed.

Of course, he used up all his magic and died in the process.

The other members of the Fellowship spent weeks and weeks comforting her and convincing her that it wasn't her fault.

After all, who wanted that old coot, anyway?

***

_Now_ you can review! Please do!


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